Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tragic

 

A normal morning for the Richard’s was in progress. Mrs. Richard a joyfull woman with a tan complexion, blue eyes, andbeautiful facial features, was in the kitchen making a sweet breakfast. She flipped the sausage over squeezing the juice out making it sizzle, scrambled the eggs, and the toast popped out the toaster with a loud ding. The sizzling sausages, crispy toast and sparkling yellow eggs were nice and hot.  While Mrs. Richard, a muscular and handsome young manflipped sausages, Mr. Richard was upstairs trying to decide which shirt looked best with which tie. He pulled out shirt after shirt and dumped all his ties onto the bed. The mixing of shirts and ties went on and on until he found the perfect match. He seemed to act like a little girl who cannot decide what she wants.
            On the way out of the door Mrs. Richard handed Mr. Richard his lunch and his breakfast in a sweet manner. They tenderly kissed each other goodbye. Outside the sun was rising with chirping birds. He walked to his car admiring the Chicago scenery. As he got closer to his car a squirrel stopped right in front of he and just stood there glaring as if it wanted him to stop and turn around and go back into the house. After a minute of just standing there Mr. Richard decided to walk around the squirrel and get into the car. He checked his mirrors and tried to put his seat belt on. It would not budge, so he just drove off. As he cruised down the street another squirrel ran in front of the car. Richard thought, “Was it just a coincidence or was it a sign?”
He turned onto Steger Road, the busiest street near his home. As he drove down the road, he saw squirrels everywhere. They were in the trees, grass, bushes, on top of houses, cars, trucks and garages. It seemed like they were trying to tell him something. He went into the intersection of Stegar Road and Route 394 to make a right turn. As he turned into the street he saw a big semi-tuck coming and he panicked. Within seconds he had to make many decisions. “Should I hit the brakes? Should I steer of the road? Should I keep going? What should I do?” That is what was going on in his head in those few seconds.  In the end the truck ran into the side of his car.
            As the truck hit the car he was blinded by its bright headlights, the metal rippled slowly like a beautiful wave and buckled under the pressure like a crushed can. The car skidded and spun continuously down the long road until it stopped with a huge bang. For a moment it was silent, all he could hear was bird chirping and could see the squirrels gust sitting there.
            As he laid there he thought about his beautiful wife and great friends. He wondered if he would live to see them again. That thought brought tears to his eyes. It seemed like he had been laying there for days. The world was just passing him by, until he heard sirens. He tried to move but he realized the he could not feel his legs. Footsteps were heard, bright lights were seen, and pain was felt deep in his heart. He knew at that it was time for him to go. A squirrel came and guided him into to the light and as he looked back he saw his wife and a baby inside of her. At that moment he became accepting of the outcome and at peace with the world because he knew that his legacy would continue, beginning with his unborn son.

3 comments:

  1. Corrections:
    The third sentence from the end of the first paragrah, "He pulled out shirt after shirt and dumped all *his? *ties? onto the bed."
    The second paragraph, "As he got closer to his car a squirrel stopped right in front of *him? and just stood there..."
    Maybe you can describe the day a little better and say what a normal morning is for the Richard's.
    Good start to your story, keep writing and adding on, it's starting to get interesting. Remember to use a lot of details.

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  2. Like Brittany said, detail is key. It's basically what supports your story, especially in the eyes of McCarthy. Brittany also covered all of the grammatical mistakes I saw. It's very good. I really like the amount of detail used in the fourth paragraph. Continue to work and you will have a fantastic story.

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  3. Also:
    "In the 2 second he had to make many decisions"
    In the two seconds he had, he had to make many decisions.

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